Thankful

3 years ago, I took a pause. I’d been struggling to get grounded in LA and NYC, living in 23 different places in 5 years, including my car. I’d met this cute boy and fallen in love, but I was always stressed and often unhappy. I needed to catch my breath. I needed everything to stop. I quit my jobs teaching for SoulCycle and YogaWorks in New York, bought a one way ticket to Vienna, and proposed to my Austrian boyfriend under the stars. Definitely in the top 3 craziest things I’ve done, but it was exactly what I needed ☺️. Those 6 months in Vienna gave me time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I started developing #Movement2Music, because I wanted to help people heal through music the way I have. #BrandonsBodyROCK came about, because I wanted to create an emotionally powerful musical experience that would make people feel like #Beyoncé! I made the decision to come out of the cannabis closet, because I realized I want to help save the world, and this is my way. I found my path in Vienna. ❤️
Now here I am 3 years later, teaching Movement2Music, Brandon’s BodyROCK, and @cannabisdanceandfitness Workshops in LA and NYC! I had this moment during my #CannabisFIT workshop in New York last week, where I suddenly realized I’m living my dream 😭🙌🏾🎉🙏🏾❤️. 

Limitless

When Jordan described his concept for this shot to me, my initial reaction was Fear. I was afraid that I would look feminine. It was one of the first moments I realized that even as an adult and proud gay black man, I still carry the self hate and stigma that was programmed into me as a child. When you’re a kid, being told by loved ones to put your pinky down when you drink, uncross your legs, and “act like a man” can stick. Being called a “sissy” and “pretty boy” on the playground can stick. My only examples of gay men were in movies and tv, where they were always the joke, dying of AIDS, or being murdered. That shit will fuck you up. That shit will have you hating yourself and calling it normal. How many hours of my life have I wasted trying not to appear gay? How much energy was lost to hiding? I love this photo because it challenges me, even looking at it now. It challenges me to remember that I’m not defined by my past, and I’m not bound by masculine and feminine. I am limitless. We all are.

I'm Done.

There it was again. That silence I remembered so well. That silence every queer person knows inside and out.

It's difficult to describe what it feels like to walk into a room and immediately sense that you've just become the only gay person in a room full of people who don't really like gay people. There's an initial stare and silence, followed by a moment where everyone catches themselves, smiling awkwardly over the terror still reverberating from their eyes and shoulders. The entire process usually lasts less than 5 seconds, but it can feel much longer when you're knee deep in the receiving end of that shit. 

I grew up gay and black in the 90's...in fucking Indiana. So yeah, I'm very familiar with that moment. I spent my whole life there closeted - dating girls, monitoring every word and movement, being thrown into lockers and called a fag, and listening to preachers tell me I was going to hell every Sunday. It was "character building" to say the least. I tried to bargain with God at age 10, promising to stop liking boys if he saved my dying Grandma, and I spent years praying every night for him to make me straight. In early high school, I even tried striking myself in the face whenever I had "impure thoughts" in an attempt to train myself to associate my attraction to men with pain. Religion had me fucked up, and it's taken many years and a lot of work to undue the self-hate ingrained in me.

But that was then, and this is Now. I'm a 33-year-old out and proud black gay man, living in Los Angeles, building a career I'm obsessed with, and married to a man who makes me better in every way. I'm seen and loved for who I am. I'm the muthafucking definition of "It Gets Better", and I refuse to go back. 

So here are just a few things I'm done with in 2018...

I'm done giving my time to people who view my marriage as "sinful", invalid, or in any way unequal to heterosexual marriage. 

I'm done sharing space with people who smile in my face and make polite conversation, but believe I'm going to hell for loving who I love.

I'm done making excuses for people who claim to care about me but continue to support the Trump administration.

I'm done spending time in rooms with people who need a moment to process me being there.

I'm done pretending I'm not angry when I have every right to be.

I'm done being anything other than proud of who I am.

with love always,

I'm Done.

How I Fell In Love With Cannabis

My introduction to cannabis came later in life than most, or at least later than most I know. While it seemed like many of my peers were drinking and getting high throughout high school, I’d been heavily focused on my artistic pursuits and studies, and in all honesty - I held a lot of judgement towards people who smoked weed. I was studying theatre, music, and dance as a performing arts major at a high school in Indianapolis, Indiana. As an artist and asthmatic, I assumed “drugs” would wreck my talent and hinder my ability to sing and dance. I was then, and still can be a “type A control freak”, and the idea of not being completely lucid or in control of my instrument made me uncomfortable. Everything I knew about pot was from anti-drug commercials and movies, and these were not stereotypes I wanted to emulate.

My whole perspective changed when I moved to Chicago for college. I was accepted into The Theatre School of DePaul University, and for the first time in my life, surrounded by artists and intellectuals who thought and dreamed like me. A lot of them also happened to smoke marijuana socially, and it didn’t take long for me to find a group of like-minded and experienced friends that made me feel comfortable trying weed for the first time.

While I immediately loved the playfulness and feeling of being my complete self that I got when I smoked weed, it remained a party drug for me through most of college. Something I’d indulge in on a night out or before a movie with friends, but not that I would use alone or for any productive purpose. Then I met Ben during my last year at DePaul - The pre-med student that would end up being my boyfriend for the next 5 years.   

Ben was a hard working and focused Polish immigrant studying to be a doctor, and he was also a daily cannabis user. We fell in love and moved in together a few months after meeting, and it was the first time I’d ever had access to marijuana everyday. Watching him smoke before studying or going to the gym began to shift the way I thought about weed. Ben “microdosed”, taking a hit from a small bowl here and there at different points throughout the day. Enough to keep him level and in a pleasant mood without ever being stereotypically “high” or unable to function. This really worked for him and I was inspired.

I began having a hit or two before going to the gym or doing creative work - learning lines, choreographing, writing music, or performing. My workouts immediately improved! While I’d expected smoking marijuana to make my asthma worse, the opposite turned out to be true. My breath control, stamina, and focus were so much better, and working out became A LOT more fun :). This was the beginning of my love affair with fitness. Creatively, I felt Freed as an artist. The self doubt, second guessing, over-analyzing, and anxiety that had at times crippled my ability to perform and create - Gone. I became Beyonce...in my mind at least. I could do anything, be anyone, and I trusted myself. Beginning to use cannabis daily hadn’t made me lazy or undriven. It had brought me closer to my full potential. I was in love.